Are You a Bulldozer, a Diplomat, or a Ghost?

Every couple argues. But how you argue — and how you ask for what you need — says a lot about what's actually going on beneath the surface.

This short quiz was designed by Joe Dillon, a professional negotiator and divorce mediator with nearly 20 years of experience working with couples. In about three minutes, it'll reveal your natural negotiation style and what it might be costing you in your marriage.

Your results will also contribute to the research behind Joe's upcoming book, You're Doing It Wrong: A Professional Negotiator's Seven-Step Framework for Married Couples, coming in 2027. We're grateful for your participation.

14 questions. No wrong answers. A result worth sharing.

Ready to find out which one you are?

First Name *

Email *

You need to talk to your spouse about something important. What's your move? *

I bring it up the moment it's on my mind, whenever that is.

I wait for a calm moment when we're both relaxed and have time to talk.

I look for the right moment... and sometimes that moment never quite comes.

When you ask your spouse for something, how do you usually present it? *

I lay out exactly what I want and why, all at once.

I give them the headline first, then fill in details as the conversation goes.

I hint around it for a while before I actually say what I want.

Before a tough conversation, how much do you think about your spouse's side of things? *

Honestly, I'm focused on making my point, not predicting theirs.

I usually think through what they might say or feel before I bring it up.

I think about it so much I sometimes talk myself out of bringing it up at all.

When you want something from your spouse, do you explain your reasoning? *

Not really. I figure the ask speaks for itself.

Yes, I try to explain why it matters to me, not just what I want.

I might explain it, but only if they push and ask why.

When you want something big from your spouse, what's your approach? *

I just ask. If it's reasonable, they should say yes.

I think about what's fair for both of us and offer something in return.

I usually don't ask directly. I just hope they'll notice what I need.

After you've said what you need to say, what happens next? *

I keep talking. Silence makes me want to fill the gap.

I stop and give them room to respond, even if it's quiet for a bit.

I usually back off completely and let it drop rather than wait it out.

When your spouse says no to something you really wanted, what's your gut reaction? *

I push back and try again, maybe from a different angle.

I try to understand the no before deciding what to do next.

I let it go right away, even if I'm disappointed.

How do you gauge whether your spouse is in a good headspace for a real conversation? *

I don't really check, I just start talking and adjust if needed.

I pick up on their mood and decide whether now is the moment or not.

I'm so cautious about it that I sometimes wait so long the moment passes entirely.

When you've got more than one thing you want to bring up, how do you handle it? *

I bring it all up at once. If we're talking, let's talk about everything.

I focus on one thing at a time so the conversation doesn't get overwhelming.

I usually only bring up the smaller, easier thing and let the bigger one go unsaid.

When your spouse pushes back on something you've said, what's your first instinct? *

I hold my ground and explain why I'm right.

I pause and try to understand what's behind their pushback before responding.

I usually back down right away, even if I still believe what I said.

If your spouse asks "why does this matter so much to you," how do you usually respond? *

A little defensively, honestly. I shouldn't have to justify it.

I welcome it. It's a fair question and I'm glad to explain.

I tend to downplay it and say it's not a big deal, even when it is.

When your spouse asks you for something, what usually goes through your mind? *

Whether it's reasonable enough that I should just say yes or no.

Whether there's a way to make this work for both of us.

Whether saying no is even worth the conflict it might cause.

When you're waiting for your spouse to make a decision about something important, how do you handle the wait? *

I check in frequently. I want to know where things stand.

I give them space and trust they'll come to me when they're ready.

I assume the silence means no and stop bringing it up.

After a disagreement gets resolved one way or another, what usually happens next in your house? *

We move on pretty quickly. Once it's decided, it's decided.

We usually check back in later to make sure it actually landed okay for both of us.

I tend to keep thinking about it privately, even after it's technically over.